Dick Acorn = Jury   

January 8, 2002

Anne Heche:

Queen of the Hollywood Batheads

What is it about fucked up famous people, whether they get in some kind of moronic police trouble or whether they’ve made some career faux pas, that they have to go on Barbara Walters for rehabilitation? What is it about Barbara Walters – that smug, frowsy, scrunch-faced celebrity cum-licker - that makes errant big shots want to puke out their secrets onto her designer-skirt-clad lap? And what does it say about American taste that so many people scramble to watch these psychotic defecations as if they were visits from genuine extraterrestials? What cosmic fuck-up in the space-time continuum appointed the prune-lipped and panty-gripped Walters as the High Priestess of the Kleiglight Confessional? Has it come to this?

You better you fucking better you bet it has and count on it getting even better so long as the celebrity set is populated by at least 50% broads. Take the recent Bah-bah (as in “Bah-bah Wah-wah,” made famous by “Saturday Night Live’s” Gilda Radner) tete-a-tete with reigning Queen of the Hollywood Batheads – Anne Heche. Heche as you may know (who doesn’t?) was for a very long time the carpet-munching and dildo-fancying “domestic partner” of America’s Favorite Dick-on-Dyke, Ellen Degeneris. 

Or maybe Ellen wore the synthetic schlong and fake-hair chest prosthesis?  Regardless, there’s plenty to say about Ellen in perhaps another lesbionic broad screed. Suffice to say that Ellen was the stupid dimwit screaming “gay discrimination” while she was starring in a major TV show and hosting national awards shows. Fully 95% of the celebrity-sucking population would love such “discrimination,” but…that’s a topic for another time. 

Bathead Queen Anne Heche suggestively contemplates the oversized microphone jutting precariously in domestic partner Ellen Degeneris' face. Note the distance the interviewer keeps from the notoriously flagrant carpet-munching couple. 

Sticking to the Bathead Queen, Heche was spewling bile onto Bah-bah for a few very important purposes, none of which are essential for the ongoing scroll of world history.  Still, she had to brave Bah-bah’s softball interview, even if for the hopeless cause of gaining public sympathy:  

(1) Batsy (Heche) had broken up with Ellen in a fur-flying tizzy and was now “going straight.” She had “come out of the closet” as Ellen’s lesbo girlfriend and now she is further clouding her sexuality because she’s marrying a man, a human with a real penis! (That’s one thing I never understood about lesbianados: if they enjoy dildos, wouldn’t they prefer the real hammer? Another time.)  

(2) During her breakup with Ellen, Batsy was so distraught that she found herself doing Hunter Thompson/Nicholas Cage “Fear and Loathing” and “Leaving Las Vegas” imitations in the desert under the therapeutic influence of Ecstacy, and  _______ (fill in your own speculative drug of choice; Batsy was likely using it while simultaneously gorging a plastic penis while having her pubes “clipped” by some muff-luvin’ damsel’s toofs). 

Reader Feedback

Who is this nutcase "Dick Acorn?" What right does he have to slander such beautiful women as Winona Ryder and Anne Heche? He should grow up and stop using so much profanity. No one pays attention to profanity, especially grownups.

-- Terence Baber

(3) Perhaps most important, and reminiscent of #1 Bathead Queen contender Kathy Lee Gifford, Batsy had written a book which needed serious promoting. Admittedly, it probably has the most truthful title a book could proffer: “Call Me Crazy.” And talk about being able to finally and accurately judge a book by its cover! Batsy is the best!

The Highlight of the Interview

During the interview, Batsy describes the usual awful things that befell her in her early life, implying these events as an excuse for her recently “ended” prolific sex and drug behaviors. At one point she blames “God,” even angling for sympathy through an “Exorcist” angle by claiming she was so fucked up, she was…talking in tongues! Her demonstration for Bah-bah of this phenomenon was probably the highlight of the interview – wow, what the fuck was that!? Such rantings must have been some fun in the sack with Ellen! Poor Ellen probably wondering whether Batsy was coming, or going…going…gone!  

And then the pained expressions as Batsy refuses to discuss her same-sex romps with her former pube-munching pard, and a firm acknowledgement that the split was final, irrevocable, and they aren’t even talking to each other (take THAT!). Let’s be clear - it’s all over now: Batsy’s “straight,” (although rumors abound that her hubby is not!  Hoooo – only in Hollywood!) and she may continue her already ascendant Hollywood career without taint, and the “discrimination” of women’s pubes dangling from her pouty lips. All in all, in baseball terms, a decent triple for Batsy on the interview.  A called strikeout for the audience. Bah-bah, at her sycophantic best; gently coaxes these profound absurdities from Batsy, who, after all, only asks that you acknowledge her affliction, and…”Call Her Fucking Batsy.” 

--Dick Acorn