Dick Acorn = Jury   

Ryder in the News


January 8, 2002

Winona Horowitz Starring in "The Thief"


First of all, what you have to ask is: why did Winona Horowitz change her name to Winona Ryder? What the heck is wrong with “Winona Horowitz” that this young woman went out and changed it? What’s better about “Ryder” vs. “Horowitz?”

No one really cares why the nutsy ditz did it, although it’s kind of obvious that “Winona Horowitz” doesn’t have quite the euphonious willowy sound of “Winona Ryder.” And the reason why the entire name change question is even worth asking is because who the hell knew that Winona Ryder was really Winona Horowitz? 

Regardless, the most hilarious development of Winona Ryder getting arrested for shoplifting recently is that virtually every story instantly revealed that the willowy and waspy Winona Ryder was really the craven shoplifting and pill-popping bathead, Winona Horowitz. That revelation alone for Ms. Horowitz must have been more grating than the actual piddling charge of getting busted with stolen goodies in her boutique shopping bags.  

And those pills in her pocketbook – prescription drugs such as Zoloft for which Ms. Horowitz didn’t have a prescription; but it’s always a smart thing to carry rainbow pills when you plan on shoplifting, figuring like most crooks you won’t be caught with either pills or pilferage.  And even if you are bagged, who is going to hassle a dingbat celebrity? Especially one so sweetly named as Winona Ryder?

Hauling in the Celebrity Big Fish

Lately, though, celebrity bagging is quite the vogue. It increasingly behooves law enforcement officials from the lowliest local shay-riff all the way to slicked-back big-city dicks to haul in the Big Celebrity Fish. Considering how much the Big Fish get away with – and still skate with to a great extent – an occasional celebrity collar evens things out for the rest of society’s anonymous miscreants.

Things went awry for the addled Miss Horowitz when she tried to stuff a bunch of freebie clothing (including arrrrrrr….panties…rrrrrrrr) into her shopping bags. It was “only” about $5,000 worth of items – hardly enough to be paying for. Why should she? She only makes probably $5-10 million per picture, none of which has ever been viewed by this reviewer. Are there any naked internet pictures of her? That might be worth a shot. While you can accuse her of being a pill-perping wingbat, that’s not to say she’s not quite the knob to look at!

From The Stella Adler School of Role Acting..

And then there’s Horowitz’s predictable excuse, which you could see coming a mile away.  Give her credit for originality: she was researching for a film role! Of course – that makes everything a-diddly-doo-okay! Let’s buy that: but was she researching “getting away with shoplifting” or was she researching “getting caught shoplifting?” You the reader, based on your doubtless limited knowledge of the mysterious motives of the celebrity set in general and Ms. Horowitz in specific, can draw your own conclusions. Yep, you can buy whatever excuse you want as much as Ms. Horowitz “bought” the items she stuffed into her booty bag.

One has to wonder about all of these actors who get so into “researching” their roles that they strive to “act” like real working people. One imagines Julia Roberts gang-banging a bachelor party of toofless backwoods kissing-cousins to understand the gritty realism of her streetwalker role in “Pretty Woman.” Or that Tom Hanks researched the homo nuances of “Philadelphia” by sword-swallowing 10-inch weeners and stuffing gerbil proctos. Heck maybe they did the “research” ‘cause they liked it. Surely in Horowitz’s case, it was quickly revealed that she’s not presently working on any films. Maybe that explains the anti-depressants in her pocketbook and her newfound sticky fingers. Fame only takes you so far in La-La land – you still gotta produce and sometimes, the casting couch gets a little bit crowded with younger, prettier, name-changing gobbers streaming in from the four corners.

You have to wish Winona Horowitz a fine recovery – be it “speedy” or “tranquil” depending on which pill flavor she smuggles into rehab. And you must sincerely hope she realizes that her behavior provides the easy fodder for painting her – along with most celeb and non-celeb dames – as the big screen loop-de-looner she portrays in real life.

--Dick Acorn