January 11, 2002

Skating Strumps NFL!


Woe is me!  To have to choose this Saturday evening between an NFL Wildcard playoff game between the lawless Oakland Raiders and the L-O-S-E – Lose! Lose! Lose! Jets, and the US National/Olympic qualifying women’s figure skating competition.  On one side, you have the beer-swilling and losing gambling camaraderie of the gridiron fans, the agonizing torture of watching Vinnie Loserverde rallying the Jetsies.  Sometimes he makes it and you want to smash TV, others you do a jig for joy when the L-O-S-E Jets come up a smidgen short.  Opposing the mighty NFL you have mostly sub-20-year-old nubile and lithe fairy-like dames, gliding gorgeously across gleaming ice; twirling and jumping, jumping and…falling on their tight little behinds.  Woe! Woe Begone!

With the football, you have a bunch of oversized, predominantly pinheaded dumbo jocks, jacked up on performance enhancers and visions of glory.  With the skating strumpets, you have a mixed bag of kooked-out but enchantingly flexible teens, with visions of gold.  It isn’t obvious who you watch?

With the horrible Minnesota Vikings, “Destiny’s Also-Rans,” out of the post season, there’s no real rooting interest in the current “tournament” as Bill Parcells liked to call the NFL playoffs.  So what’s the point of watching football?  But sitting among a room full of gooners swilling beer, as I’m quite likely to be doing this Saturday night, try surfing from the NFL to the skating strumps.  It’s a nice try.   

Hockey Players Are Like Sissies

Skating strumps have a lot going for them in that they are pretty, athletic, and seemingly wholesome. But this is a façade, as we witnessed during the Tonya Harding beat-down of Nancy Kerrigan when they opposed each other on ice.  Hockey players are like sissies when you consider that Tonya had her hitman use a fucking CROWBAR to take out Nancy's knee.  And Nancy, what a “sympathetic” spoiled dimwit she turned out to be.  Talk about the general public being victimized by the victim, with her “why me!” shrieks and a grin that’s faker than Tom Cruise’s alleged preference for dames.  Okay a cheap one on Tommy.  

One of the competitors for a National Championship , Sasha Cohen, who could easily make tons of piss-it-all-away money as an adult starlet strump, openly declared she’s going to kick some figure skating tush. There’s some other barely post-adolescent ditz with a mop-top who’s the prohibitive front-runner for this generation’s Tonya; a couple of other nobodies, and there’s Michele Kwan.  

Four-time National Champ and looking for an unprecedented fifth title, Michelle Kwan demands male attention even if you have thousands of unavailable dollars bet on any NFL game, any time. Quite simply, Ms. Kwan is the loveliest skater extant; and probably ever. To put it politely, I’d like to take her, and previous famous skating strumpet Kristie Yamaguchi, and go on top of some mountain in the Far East and search for god by playing the “Oriental Oreo” game. 


Sasha Cohen declared she's 
going to kick some tush..

Although in that case, I think the search ends with them even accompanying me in the first place. So you he-men out there, you watch the big NFL behemoths grunt, groan, run, pass and catch. I too will be slurping my beer with the best of the Real Men who ogle post-teen skating dingbats. If there’s one funny thing about woman’s figure skating, it is that all of the “dude” announcers, ALL OF THEM, are out of the closet LOUD and really should be watching the sweaty men of the NFL instead of failing to point out the wonderfully sexually arousing beauty of the strumpets on ice.

-- Rich Sheppard

Tell Us What You Think: If you'd like to respond to this article, click here.