by Dick Acorn
Very frequently, all
of the dames in my department at one time or another enter into my cubicle
for non-work-related reasons. They enter my humble work space for warmth and
comfort, or seeking cool relief from the hustle and bustle of their own
little work cocoons. And even though they are dissatisfied with the
conditions of their workspace, they are not seeking my friendly personality
or cheery humor and bonhomie.
No, they are coming into my
workspace to adjust the department thermostat.
As my little work corner is
centrally located in the department, the heating and cooling contractors
thoughtfully placed the thermostat on the wall directly behind my
workspace - Are Dick's female co-workers attracted to the thermostat, or
I suppose these builders felt that when necessary, whoever
would occupy the cubicle I'm presently working in, they felt that this
occupant would judiciously monitor the thermostat and make whatever
adjustments might be required to assure a comfortable and productive
While heating and cooling
contractors might now be calling themselves "environmental
engineers" and they did do a nicely finished and competent job, they
miscalculated on the thermostat placement for a number of reasons:
1) They didn't figure that the
department they were building would be occupied by 80% broads - as it
currently is. This is an important consideration for thermostat placement,
as we shall see.
2) They didn't figure that the
person occupying the cubicle (me) is so engaged during the workday that
looking at and adjusting the thermostat is the very last thing on the
3) They didn't figure that the
person occupying the cubicle (me) would "just say no" to anybody
who asks me to get up from my seat to adjust the thermostat. Why should I
get up to adjust the thermostat when I'm perfectly comfortable?
And so let the "Hot and
Cold Running Dames" games begin. It starts with one of the many women,
often attractive, who saunters up to the dividing wall of my workspace and
looks down at me in my chair working. I look up with a beaming and happy
smile, it never helps to be frowning at dames at work - you never know when
you might need an afterwork companion following a tough day. In the interest
of protecting identities, I will refer to the dames mentioned herein by
their hair color or other distinguishing features.
and Cold Running Dames"
based on true events, in three acts, by Dick Acorn
Blondie approaches Dick's
dividing wall and gapes down at him as he's typing furiously at his
keyboard. She is wearing a thin, sleeveless summer skirt that hardly covers
well-tanned legs and arms. She would freeze in hell in this flimsy garment.
Dick: Hi Blondie! What's
Are you cold, is it cold in here? (rubs her arms together as if hugging
herself. It is an appealing motion and Dick watches with disinterested
Dick: (being helpful):
No way! It's quite comfortable in here. I'm so busy though, I can't even
tell the time, let alone the temperature.
Blondie: (eyeing the
thermostat): Could you change that?
Dick: (cheerfully): No
way! I feel fine. I have no objection though, to you coming around and doing
Okay! (She enters cubicle and
begins fussing with the thermostat.)
Dick: Ahh...much better
for you, huh? What, what are you setting it for, like seventy-two?
Blondie: No, it was at
72, I put it at 75. Hee-hee, thanks Rich.
Dick: (looking at my
computer): You're very welcome. Stop by any time. (In passing): You know
you'd freeze in hell in that dress, don't you have a sweater or something?
Blondie: No, no sweater,
tee-hee, they're for winter! Besides it gets warm in here.
working feverishly and is oblivious to the department temperature until...
(15 minutes after Act 1)
standing at Dick's wall.
Dick: Busty! How are
you? Happy Wednesday to you. How's your work going?
Busty is dressed in corduroy
pants, a flannel shirt, and a knit sweater. She has a wool watch cap on her
head. Mittens complete her near-Eskimo attire.
herself): Rich, is it warm in here?
Dick: No way! It's very
comfortable. But you know me, busy busy busy, going all the time, work work
work, wouldn't hear my phone ringing right here in front of me, let alone
know what the temperature is.
Busty: (eyeing the
thermostat): Do you know what that's set at?
Dick: (knowing): Nope,
not a clue. For all I know, people come in here and change it all the time.
Could be 100 degrees, I don't even know what that thing does, controls the
temperature I think.
Busty: (teasing): You
know that's the thermostat!
Dick: That's the
thermostat? I thought it was a fancy light switch or some secret alarm.
Busty: (impatient but
friendly): Stop it! Could you please tell me what it says, maybe lower it a
Dick: (cheerfully): No
way! But you are welcome to enter my workspace and do with it what you must.
Please forgive how sloppy everything is, I'm too busy to straighten up for
Busty enters Dick's workspace
and starts fiddling with the thermostat.
Dick: (absently): Hmm,
wonder what it was set at?
75! Could you believe it was 75! Did you do that?
Dick: Me? No way! I am
afraid to even touch such devices. What are you setting it at?
That's kinda cool. Wouldn't it be better for you to not wear that sweater
and take off those mittens?
Busty: Are you kidding,
it's freezing in here!
Dick is a dervish of productivity, paper is entering and leaving his cubicle at an astounding
rate. 30 minutes later, Lefty the maintenance manager comes by and looks at
Rich over his wall: Lefty is wearing a blue industrial uniform with his
entire toolchest hanging off his belt, along with an oily ball cap.
(1/2 hour after Act 2)
Dick: Lefty, what's
happening, hombre? You sure you got enough tools there, dude?
and walking into the cubicle to the thermostat): Rich, I keep looking at my
board in the back and the temperature in this department is all over the
place. Are you fucking around with that thermostat? Holy shit, my board said
75 and this says 70; who's fooling around with this?
Dick: (lowering my
voice): Lefty, first of all, I don't know how to work that thing, I'm afraid
to even touch it, and you know I have so much goddamn work, I only leave my
seat to go to the can. However, as you can imagine in a department full of
broads, the temperature is never right, and while I am away, it's possible
that they are diddling with that device. What did you set it at?
Lefty: (with temporary
Dick: Right on bro!
Right where it should be. It's them broads, when I go to the can they come
by and diddle with it.
You think so? Maybe I should put a tamper lock on it?
Dick: (knowing he
won't): Yeah, yeah, that would be a good idea. I just wish if they come by,
they come by when I'm here, it gets lonely, all this work. Get a little
thermo-rap going, I can do that you know. Tease them about being hot and
cold. If they're hot, offer them an icy after work booze-filled drink. If
they're cold, maybe a nice hot chocolate that's like 75% Kahlua.
Lefty: Hmmmmm. There are
some nice-looking babes in this department!
Dick: You know it, but
some of them are hot, some of them are cold, none of them are just right;
This joint is full of hot and cold running dames! I can't get any work done!
They share some he-man