Working for Naomi Campbell

In view of recent events, could you kindly forward the attached resume to Ms. Naomi Campbell, who may apparently be looking for a new personal assistant. In addition to 15 years of executive level administrative experience, including as the personal assistant to the founder of the test prep industry, Mr. Stanley H. Kaplan, this candidate also possesses the traits of the superlative assistant: Attention to Detail, Loyalty, Persistence, and Discretion & Honesty. If you think these “on-paper” qualifications might satisfy Ms. Campbell’s initial hiring criteria, please consider this candidate available for an interview at your or her convenience.

Thanks and much obliged for your assistance,

— Dick Sheppard, Jersey City, NJ

PS – If Ms. Campbell has already retained an assistant, you might consider this candidate for another assistant opening in the same industry.

Response from Mr. Shutter

Thank you. i will pass it on.

— Mr. Robert Shuter, Vice President

Thank You

Thank you, that’s very kind of you. Ms. Campbell would assuredly get someone who would undertake the job with enthusiasm, professionalism, and discretion.

— Dick Sheppard, Jersey City, NJ

Postscript

I think it would be UTTERLY HILARIOUS if I picked up the phone one day and in my usual brusque manner said, “RICHARD!” and the voice on the other end, I think she has a British accent, the British accent would say, “helloooo Richard, er, Mr. Sheppard, this is Naomi Campbell.” I think I’d have an accident in my shorts! Such an event would surely qualify as one of the most meaningful in my bizarre life. Because you know damn well that if she’s interested, I would surely get the job no matter what I had to do. And that includes compromising my gender/sexual preferences to “fit” more gently into the wild and wooly fashion industry.

— Dick Sheppard

Naomi Campbell Background

On Oct. 25, 2006, Campbell was arrested in London on suspicion of assault.

On March 30, 2006, Campbell was arrested in NYC for allegedly assaulting her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone, resulting in a bloody head that required several stitches. She was charged with second degree assault.

Italian actress Yvonne Scio has claimed the model left her “covered in blood” after a spat at a Rome hotel. Yvonne claimed: “She punched me in the face. She was like Mike Tyson.”

In March 2005, Campbell was said to have slapped assistant Amanda Brack and beaten her around the head with a Blackberry.

In July 2006, Brack began legal proceedings against Campbell, claiming Campbell abused her verbally and physically on three continents, including assault, battery, false imprisonment and infliction of emotional distress.

On Aug 12, 2004, Campbell was sued for assault by her former assistant, Simone Craig, who claimed she was held hostage by Campbell in a Los Angeles hotel in 2001.

In early August, 2004, Campbell was investigated by New York police for allegedly beating her maid Millicent Burton on Aug 7, 2004.

In 2000, Campbell was sentenced to attend anger-management classes after striking her personal assistant Georgiana Galanis with a cell phone in 1998.

Information Courtesy The Smoking Gun and Wikipedia.