How to Kill Your Brother-In-Law’s Fish

The following procedures are to be followed if your brother- and sister-in-law are in-between moving from an old house to a new house, and your brother-in-law gives you his fish to watch:

Wimpie Fish is right — these things didn’t last a week.
  1. Hook up the filter incorrectly, forgetting to open the throttles he has meticulously closed for the transport. The water will get very dirty within a week, and the fish will be swimming around in muck. This should kill off the weak ones.
  2. Replace the water – all of it at the same time. Some say you’re not supposed to replace all the water at the same time. Something about the fish being used to the water they’re in. Only replace some of it at a time, they say. Replacing all of the water in the fish tank at once ensures that you kill off a couple more fish.
  3. Put the turtle in the same tank as the fish for “just one night”. This solves two problems – if the tank that the turtle was in has a slow leak, taking the turtle out of that tank and emptying its water prevents water from leaking onto the floor. Putting the turtle in the same tank as your brother-in-law’s fish is certain to make a couple ‘disappear’.
  4. With one fish left, ask yourself, why are you maintaining a big fish tank for this one little fish? Wouldn’t the fish be happier in the outside pond, with all the ‘manly’ fish swimming in water that is at least 20 degrees colder.

I am at step 4 right now.

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